The Black Notebook IV: Dramatis Personae
by Celtic Knot
Summary: He is screaming in my head right now like you wouldn't believe.' Spoilers for 'The Long Goodbye.' JohnTeyla 'ship. Rated T for mild language.


**Dramatis Personae**

0230. John Sheppard was fully aware that he should be sleeping – he had a briefing to go to at 0600 – but he was going to be completely nonfunctional until he got this written down. He'd been scribbling furiously in his black notebook for hours, filling almost a dozen pages with the memories of his possession by the alien consciousness Thalan. To call the experience "profoundly unsettling" would have been to barely scratch the surface.

Guilt over what he'd almost done to Elizabeth gnawed at him, and the memory of leaving Ronon to die made him sick. He wondered if he'd ever be able to tell Teyla how grateful he was that she'd stopped him.

Teyla.

He sighed. How was he ever going to face Teyla again?

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…I woke up praying it was all some nightmare. I mean, it had to be – how else could I explain living an episode of _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_? It was just too ridiculous to be real. Possessed by aliens? Please.

Oh, don't laugh. So I like _Star Trek. _Don't try to tell me you don't have your own guilty pleasures.

Anyway, no such luck. I was lying on the floor of some sealed-off corridor, bound hand and foot, Teyla standing over me with a P90 and a stunner. I tried to call out to her, but I couldn't move. That must be what it's like to be host to a Goa'uld.

Makes hell look like a good vacation spot.

Thalan said exactly the words I wanted to scream. "Teyla – it's me." What I'd – what _he'd _done to Ronon by convincing him of exactly that was still fresh in my mind, and again I felt an urge to throw up. I prayed Beckett had gotten to him in time.

But that prayer took a back burner to a thought that blazed across my mind like a lightning bolt. _Not Teyla, too! _With all the mental force I could muster, I hurled the words at Thalan. _Don't you even try to so much as touch her, you bastard!_

Thalan only laughed at me – but I could feel his fear. He didn't have a clue how to get out of this. Good.

Teyla squatted beside me, bringing her face close to mine. "Do not waste your breath trying to convince me you are John Sheppard," she said. "I do not believe you."

If I'd had control over my own body, I would have kissed her then and there.

Instead, I heard my own voice, pleading. "Don't you see what they're doing? They're pitting us against each other! You know me!"

Teyla seemed to waver for an instant. _No! _I wanted to shout. _Don't listen to him!_

There must have been a security camera nearby, because Elizabeth – well, Phoebus – joined the party via the radio. "Oh, please. You call that acting?"

It was definitely Thalan who sat up, but I couldn't tell you which one of us found the camera. I suppose it doesn't really matter. "Phoebus!" he said. God, this is weird – it's almost like talking about myself in the third person. As if I wasn't just along for the ride. But I don't even want to think about _that_…

On the up side, at least now Teyla knew who she was talking to.

Phoebus promptly ordered Teyla to kill me. If that had been all there was to it, I wouldn't have had anything to worry about. She wouldn't have done it. But no – as Thalan, the contemptible coward, begged for his life, Phoebus made her choose between my life and the lives of most of the expedition.

I would gladly have sacrificed my life – I know how important the Atlantis expedition is, and who am I to put my life ahead of it… or ahead of those of hundreds of other people? But couldn't Phoebus have left Teyla out of it? Thalan wouldn't have done it – but I would have. Because I somehow doubted she'd believe me when Thalan finally… died, I guess, is the right word.

As Teyla tried to stall for time, I could see how increasingly torn she was becoming. _Just do it! _I tried to shout… but Thalan, of course, had other ideas. "If you kill me, you're killing him." _You leave me out of this! _Then, as his terror mounted, he pulled a really low blow. "He cares for you more than you know."

_You son of a bitch! _She wouldn't do it now – I could see it in her eyes. That desperate ploy had pushed the right buttons. Maybe because it's true…

Teyla pleaded with Phoebus. _"Please _do not make me do this."

Something in the tone of her voice startled me. I'd never heard so much emotion in her words when she spoke of anyone, especially _me, _of all people… Does she really feel the same way about me as I do about her? It's a humbling thought – she deserves so much better than what I can give her. That's why I've never said anything to her. I don't know if I ever will. But I swear, if I don't, I'll be a bachelor for life. I could never really love another woman after knowing Teyla. Sure, I've had a few… amorous encounters, but there's a reason they never last. Teyla is never far from my mind, and she will always have a special place in my heart.

Wow – that was clichéd. And sappy. Too bad – it's the truth. And it's not like I'm a writer or anything, so cut me a break already.

But I digress.

Thalan was beginning to regain some confidence. "You don't have to," he said to Teyla.

_Shut up!_

Ironically, I was actually glad when Phoebus said, "Shoot him, or I release the gas and hope it reaches the both of you." Either way, I was as good as dead. Teyla couldn't fail to see that. The decision suddenly came down to, not me or them, but me or _us._

Caldwell saw it, too – he'd been in radio contact with Teyla the whole time. "She has the capability of doing what she claims. Teyla… I'm not gonna tell you what to do."

"I _am,_" Phoebus said, but I could already see the painful understanding in Teyla's eyes. "Kill him."

Teyla stared at the floor, gathering her resolve. _C'mon, Teyla. I'm a dead man, no matter what. You may as well save some lives._

Almost as if she'd heard me, she turned her gaze to my face, the agony of utter despair written on her own. That look alone made me hate Phoebus all the more – it has no place in her eyes. It was an expression I'd seen on her face only in my worst nightmares.

Thalan seized on my sudden surge of emotion and twisted it. "Sheppard doesn't believe you'll do it." But as assured as he sounded, he knew he'd lost. And he was frightened. Were I able, I would have smiled. As it was, I settled for gloating.

Teyla cocked the P90, aiming it at my head. Good – the end would come quickly. Her voice trembled a bit as she said, "Forgive me, John."

Dammit. All of a sudden, I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave her wondering if I blamed her, if I cursed her with my dying thoughts… no. No, the very thought was torture. I wanted her to know that she was doing the right thing – but there was no way for me to tell her that.

Let me tell you, I'll never doubt McKay again. He overrode the lockdown at the last second, locking out Elizabeth's controls, and Caldwell's voice rang out from Teyla's radio the instant her finger began to tighten on the trigger.

Thalan didn't last long after that. When the convulsions stopped and the pain faded, I called out to Teyla.

She stepped close and once again squatted beside me. "Is that really you?"

How could she expect me to convince her? "You're never gonna believe me," I said, unable to look her in the eyes, "so… I'm not even gonna try."

I wondered if she'd ever be able to trust me again.

No, nothing will ever happen between us. There would always be that element of uncertainty; the nightmares, the what-ifs would be too vivid. It would destroy us utterly. Intellectually, I know that.

But I hope I'm wrong. I hope we can put this incident in the past, where it belongs. I hope the nightmares will eventually fade.

I hope… and that's what keeps me going.

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Sheppard finally closed the black notebook on his longest entry yet. If he was lucky, he'd get an hour's sleep before he had to get up.

He turned off the light, settled into his bed, and closed his eyes.

And lay awake until his alarm sounded, trying to beat back the shades of a shattered future…


End file.
